Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I put the mess in domestic.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.