Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

happy mother’s day❤️

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

He-man has a Masters degree

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Based Erika

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.