Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*