Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”