Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
You Might Also Like
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
That’s enough internet for the day
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?