having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
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1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER