having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
