having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Traveler’s camo
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The answer is funnier than the question
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.