Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Split the bill

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.