Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
R.I.P.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.