Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.