Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.
#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I told my kid he mustn’t use the word ‘hate’ as it’s hurtful and mean and then I made absolutely sure he apologised to the cheese
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun