Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.