Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
You Might Also Like
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Plant care tips
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.