Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
ew if literal: let me be clear
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
wait.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine