Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Finally!

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot