Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy