Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.