Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

i’m sure it’s fine

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement