Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

*looks at you in batman voice*

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?