Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.