Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now