@legendofchelda

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

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@MdUNH

Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

@roxiqt

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

@Sickayduh

“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
Doug.
“Duck?”
DouGGG
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”

@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

@JB4Realz

SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?

DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.

@ddsmidt

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.