Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Cake safety first. Always.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE