Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“Your name is Duck?”
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?
DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.