4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp
Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep