Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
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Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’m not needy. I’m wanty.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Me: ok lil bit
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work