Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?


“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?


Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules


Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.


Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /


My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.


Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.


My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x


Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep