Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I identify as an antique shop.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4