Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
馃ぃ馃槄馃ぃ馃槄 OUCH!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here鈥檚 the teeth y鈥檃ll pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I鈥檇 be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I鈥檓 here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Story of my life…..
I鈥檓 not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can鈥檛 go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
me: you won鈥檛 get on the ledge. you鈥檙e an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it鈥檚 my fault. it鈥檚 all my fault
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Guy who doesn鈥檛 respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I鈥檓 so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 馃憖? Over
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
No one girl should have all that power. 馃槀
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If you excel at something, people love it until they don鈥檛. But you won鈥檛 know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.