Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another