Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

three things we don’t talk about

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.