Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

like swimming in quick dry cement

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?