Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.