Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…