Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Lmao
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born