Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.