Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…