[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
crazy
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.