[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.