Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
guilty
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.