Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.