Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a type: disappointing

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

They got a point!

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.