Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.