having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
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Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great