having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
From my Mom
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor