Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
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Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
A wise man once said nothing.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.