Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
