Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
