After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They’re called werewolves.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet