Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is