Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me when I’m ovulating
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Life hack
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.