Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
You Might Also Like
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My blood type is coffee.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS