Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
mentally somewhere in italy
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
what’s more important?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable