Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?