having a job is cool but everydayyy???
You Might Also Like
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.