having a job is cool but everydayyy???
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Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Children of the Corn Man
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Strangers have the best candy.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one