Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Meowchelangelo
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
