Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.