Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Saturday

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Finally, an instrument I can play!

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.