Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

i’m sure it’s fine

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself