Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I ate everything, including the H.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent