having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
