Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

playing pool? you mean swimming?

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.