Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
You Might Also Like
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I need this for my side hustle.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.