Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.