Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
What about second breakfast?
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints