Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*