Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Just why bro?!

first you must answer his riddles

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

The Birdles

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.