Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
dream blunt rotation
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.