Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I think this might be relevant today.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda