Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
mom gave me mine for free
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.