Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?