Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
hmm conte-me mais
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie