Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
The old gods are rising again.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?