Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Life hack
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My purse is deeper than some people.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.