Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
You Might Also Like
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Not recommended for beginners.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.