Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.