Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
forgive me baja for i have blast
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”