having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches