having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?