having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Sell your car
