having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
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– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Extremely relatable.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
who wore it better?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.