Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
A dad and his duck
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT