Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
